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Looking For Gold

Literally I dove into swimming head first.  My natural talent  even at only  5 years old was immediately apparent  to the local swim instructor who quickly  advanced me into their competitive program.  I was very small in stature but I more than made up for it in heart eventually earning the nickname of “Mighty Mouse” many years later.

For the first time I really felt  a sense of power and  control whenever  I was in the water and I truly loved it.   I quickly began to thrive both physically and emotionally through the whole  process of it I was completely self-driven requiring no outside motivation whatsoever.  I had always been full of life and extremely active right from the start.

My grandfather nicknamed me “fidget” and my dad called me “monkey” so you can get the drift..

I loved the challenge of competition and always pushed myself beyond what other people expected of me. But this suited me just fine because underneath the surface of my accomplishments and the ever increasing level of performance I demanded from myself was the subconscious desire to prove my worth once and for all.  In the beginning it was just for the true joy and feeling of freedom it provided me with but the more I began to succeed  the more I could see that swimming was quickly becoming the cornerstone to my existence in the eyes of others and most importantly  for the love and attention from my parents.

My quest to achieve was always driven through the power of the subconscious contract I had made with myself although at the time I didn’t realize it. Swimming was my attempt to overcompensate for the real truth of our lives which was a family shattered at the deepest level into emotional pieces…

When I performed  well  the rough edges of my emotional foundation seemed to smooth almost to the point where I deceived myself into believing that it was true.  I had  safely cocooned  anything that threatened my rise to success and hid them behind the mask of my bright smile and cheery countenance.

However years later as I would so dramatically find out that false belief was at the risk of my own peril. Living my life from the top down was fool hearty at best.  I was as good as my last race, or my  Grade A’s  on my report card and as long as they kept on coming in quick succession I never had  to consider who and what I was  beyond that.

I was probably too afraid to look into that darkness fearing that  if I didn’t meet or exceed other people’s expectations then might I, too,  disappear  like one of those quantum particles into the vacuum of space?

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